Its 2.12am.

I'm in my pink pajama bottoms,

In my I ♥ NY top,

with matching undies,

one foot up on the foot rest, resting on top of my law file,

the other on the ground.

Laptop resting on my thigh,

Leaving only an inch of the television visible.

The Asian Food Channel is on in the background,

The air-conditioner is blazing, along with the fan and 1 dim tube light on.

Msn is open as i sit chatting with Ying about her day and i catch up with an old friend.

Quite clearly, i am very bored.

"whore"
"bitch"
"nerd"
"jock"
"slut"

Stereotyping, judging, labeling, whatever you want to call it, I'm sick of it.
So sick of people judging other people without even knowing who they are,
what their names are, what kind of person they are.
They just judge on appearance. And it just pisses the hell out of me.
Who do you think you are? Why do you think you're so above everyone.
What makes you so damn fucking cool that you have the right to treat everyone like shit?

Do you think you're cool? Do you think it makes you cool because you have the 'balls' to pick up some 'slut' or 'dirty' chick, so everyone says, and use the fuck out of her and then ruin her completely? Is that your definition of cool? If it is, you're either way more stupid than i thought and you are just completely unbelievable.
Mind, I'm not speaking about anyone in particular, I'm speaking generally, or am i?
All those dickheads and fools who go about thinking they own everything, they can say whatever they like and they can get away with it.

I'm so sick of people treating innocent people like crap, well not innocent per Se but what did they ever do to you?
Did they look at you funny? Did they hurt you?
What did they do that was so bad to deserve the way you treated them?
The way you tarnished not only their reputation, but their mind and their own perception of who they are.
Who the fuck are you?

Just remember that
whatever goes around, comes around.
And i can't wait for karma to give you what you deserve.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like,
What if you weren't you.

Often i catch myself thinking of things that could have happened if it didn't happen the way it did.
What if we didn't move,
What if i told him yes,
What if i told him no,
What if i didn't know the people i know now?
What if i never met you?

What if i didn't wake up this morning feeling so morose,
What would i do?

What would happen?
Where would we be?
What would we be doing?

Would we be a whole different person because of one insignificant word or choice.
Everyone always says 'The Choice is yours, its all up to you'

Have you ever challenged that?
Is it really our choice?
At the end of the day, is it really?

If the choice was mine, and if it were the 'choice' that would make up who i am,
I wouldn't be the person i am today.

I wouldn't have chosen this life i live with the people in it.
I wouldn't choose to be the way i am.
I wouldn't choose to be so sad all the time.

I don't. I don't make the choices.
You all say its all your choice, what you do and what you want to do, its all up to you.
Well is it really?

I obviously didn't choose anything for myself,
because if i did, I'd be happy.
I wouldn't have chosen this.
I wouldn't want to be me.

Um this is going to be a quick update

• I watched New Moon yesterday, simply lost for words, it was so much better than my expectations and it was mind blowing. I didn't feel Dakota Fanning suited the part of Jane to be honest, she looks much too young and the age difference is going to show later in Breaking Dawn. Robert Pattinson showed WAY too much emotions, exact opposite of what Edward Cullen is supposed to, his acting in general is really bad i think he should consider acting lessons. Kirsten Stewart did a good job i think. Taylor Lautner, well need there be more to be said? Bloody fantastic. Though many people will disagree with me, i liked him better with long hair. He just felt more like Jacob, and his voice was a lot huskier when he had long hair :S I'm so pleased that they changed the director as well from that crackhead they used in Twilight. I think she did a hideous job with Twilight and she should be slitting her wrists. I feel the director for New Moon did a pretty good job, it was an enjoyable 2 hours and a good RM9 spent.

• I'm so confused again J. What ever has happened, has happened. Please leave the past where it belongs. I don't want to risk anything again, and to be frank i really don't care about whatever has happened. Its done. Everything happens for a reason, however excruciating it is. The damage has been done and no amount of words from you can take back what you did to me, I'm sorry that's just the way it is.

• Enough slagging, i really have to study today.

Cheerio.

Nostalgia

I had in mind the perfect post of all the things i wanted to say.
But perfection doesn't exist, so I'll try and make do with a normal post.

I was flipping through my photo album of all the Prom Photos the school photographer took and i just feel into this giant pit of sadness entangled with happiness. Sadness because i desperately miss the people i went to school with, the memories we made, the jokes we laughed about, the people we bitched about and the bathrooms we chilled out in. I miss high school and my classmates, so much. It literally feels like in the blink of an eye, everything happened and is gone. Not gone forever obviously, but its not there for me to touch or embrace, you know?

Goodness, we all looked so stunningly beautiful on our Prom Night, we really did, every single one of us. I don't think there was a single person i didn't look at and think "wow", everybody took my breathe away that night. Looking back at the picture now, i don't regret a single thing. I'm proud to have gone through and ended my high school experience with my grade. I'm glad i learnt the things i did and we grew together. I'm so sad, whilst writing this I've become overthrown with my emotions and i can feel myself choking up. But it's true though. 50 years from now, when i think "High School" i know I'm going to be damn proud thinking of my grade. I love you all.

At the back of my photo album, i found a different stack of photos. A few random photos from here and then, from primary school. Camp at Canberra, photos at school and a few photos some of my friends passed on to me when i left Sydney. This time, it saddens and pains me when i think about primary school. I know we were young and foolish but it just saddens me. You see, before i left to Geelong, i had this little notebook. I called it my "Profile Book" and i wrote a profile and I'd pass it onto my friends so they could follow pursuit and write a profile of their own. Oh the bitter sweet things my lovely friends wrote. Its so so hard to believe that we were only 11 or 12 years old. How easily words can be thrown around like a little tennis ball, back and forth back and forth, so recklessly. But then again, we were only 11 or 12. The sweetest things my friends wrote, and on one occasion myself.




It was this one page, this one messy and child-written page that really did make me proud of who i am today. Don't get me wrong, I'm being completely neutral here, and I'm most definitely NOT boasting. I don't boast... that much xD methinks. Anyway, what made me proud is that, although over these days, weeks, months and years, i am changing in all kinds of aspects, there is one thing i believe will never change about me. My ability to love. Not guys, screw them. But my friends. From such a young age of 11 or 12 [ my memory's completely shite ] i was so ... compassionate? I'll type up and post what i wrote before, but i can really tell that that little girl who wrote in that book was me. Its just amazing, remembering how you were then and seeing yourself now. The differences and the similarities, to compare and contrast, are just amazing.

I was loud, obnoxious, carefree, wild and full of love.
Today, I'm still the same.

I guess it just goes to show, the choice really is yours at the end of the day.
You can choose the person you want to be.
You can smother all that make up on your face, put on your trendy clothes and talk the way you talk that you think is cool. But just remember not to forget the real you. The person you were once without all that make up clothes and attitude. The real you. The person you once were. With no prodding, pressure or expectations to listen to and live up you, you were once yourself.

Why be someone else?
Why be like everyone else?

Why don't you just be you?



p/s
i know not much of this makes sense, but its 2.32am and my brain stopped working around.... Friday.

One hundred and sixty three comments later
i'm in the same spot as i was at the first comment.
I didn't study, sufficently.
I procastinated
and now i'm fucked.

"Rachel Leader, Kristal Almeida and Liyana are to be blamed partially :) :P"

I know you're reading the same thing over and over again,
sick of it? Nobody told you to read this.
This is just another mindless pointless rant.
Go on, off with your lives now.

Oh balls.
Why do i always leave homework last minute?

stfu

shut the fuck up you stupid bitch.
why don't you think about what the fuck you're going to say before you say it.
fucking pain in the ass.

I've kept this in too long.

kffdjgfldjglfdgjldfgjd.

I don't even know where to begin, i am so over you and all your pathetic bullshit.
I honestly am so sick and tired of trying to figure you and your damn problems out.
Yeah everyone goes through shit, but they HANDLE it, something you cant do???
Yeah everyone gets mood swings, SO WHAT?!

DEAL WITH IT AND STOP DRAGGING PEOPLE INTO YOUR FUCKING PROBLEMS AND STOP TAKING YOUR ANGER OUT ON YOUR SO CALLED FRIENDS.

I'm pretty sure as hell that I'm not the only one that's getting pissed off from your obvious attitude problem. This isn't the first time this has happened and quite frankly, i am so DONE with you. Even if you did have problems, i get that, but to "handle" it the way you do, is just, well i don't even have words for it. And just to let you know, answering someone's sincere apology through a harsh and immature comment through a MSN personal message is not HANDLING anything. All i know is that FRIENDS don't do that, this is not what BEST FRIENDS do.

You know what I'm pretty sure you don't even know the meaning of that word anymore. Whenever we fight its always ME apologising to YOU. You never have the guts or respect to apologise for your wrong doings, its always ME having to take the blame and I'm done with all this 7th grade drama. GROW UP FOR FUCKS SAKE.
Why do you have to be so egocentric and immature anyway? Can't you see everyones past that?
Why all the drama? This is LIFE not a reality TV show. Get your head round it.

That was the last straw for me to be honest. If you aren't going to confront me personally, well neither will i. How does it feel? This is just a tad of your kind of medicine.
I should have really listened to my REAL FRIENDS all along when they told me to stay away from you. I was obviously wrong in thinking that you could change because quite clearly you haven't I just feel sorry for your 'friends' who have to put up with all the shit you make, because you obviously don't know the meaning of the word 'friendship'.

Reality Check

It's official, i absolutely CANNOT study or focus on anything apart from facebook when on the Internet/laptop!
It's ridiculous because I've only come to realise that as soon as i sit down to get some homework down, well i don't get ANYTHING done except some good ole cyber-stalking. What good is that?! It's so stupid how i just can't multi-task with facebook right at my finger-tips.

My last resort -
Write everything out .
No more typing anything out.
I'm going to write all my work out from now on.

I'm now a threat to the environment!
God help me.


Sorry world.

Anger

Have you ever been mad?
So mad you're beyond the capability of thinking straight.
Beyond the ability to understand,
to think and use your brain.

Have you ever been mad,
where you felt like you could punch a hole
Right through a concrete wall?
Or rip your hair right out of your skull?
Scream until your throat starts to bleed?
Cry until your eyes are dry and cant open no more?

Commit murder?
Commit suicide?

Well i fucking have.

Mad

I'm so fucking pissed off right now, like you have NO idea.